Saturday, March 14, 2009

Two nights of Death

Two nights ago:
I was with my ex and his mother. I had a gun, and she had a gun, and she was alternating between pointing her handgun at us and at herself. She kept putting it under her chin, like she was going to blow her head off. I kept telling her to put down the gun, and that everything would be ok, that she didn't REALLY want to kill herself. We finally got her to put down the gun on a table, and I grabbed it and took out the bullets.
She stood there crying.
Then my mother came in and said that her mother, my grandmother, had taken an entire bottle of sleeping pills, and she had died. So then I start crying and crying. I go upstairs to the bathroom, and I find my ex in the bathtub, under the water. I poke him, crying saying "Grammy is dead, grammy is dead." But he won't come up for air. He is dead too.

Last night:
I got a midnight text message in my dream from someone that one of my good friends had died in a car accident. Apparently he had been speeding and went around a corner too fast. I thought the text was a dream, so in my dream I rolled over and went back to sleep. When I got up the next morning, in the dream, I saw the text message, and completely fell apart. My friend and I haven't spoken in two months. We had some innocent fun back around Thanksgiving 2008, and I think he was hurt by it. I called another friend that I've made this year up at school, and I was bawling into the phone about the accident and how my friend and I hadn't talked in two months and now we would never talk again. Then I started thinking about my friend's mom, and I kept asking myself if I should go see her.

I texted him today to let him know about this dream, and to make sure he's ok. All I got was "I'm fine" I responded, but he isn't talking to me anymore.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

concious of the fact I am not awake?

I woke up badly yesterday morning.

I had been dreaming, and my mind and dream mind and body were all so confused.

I thought I was awake, under my blanket, in my room, looking around in the dark...but I couldn't move. I've heard of this happening to people, but in those stories, people tend to panic. I was calm. I knew I wasn't awake, and that I was still dreaming.

I was laying there, trying desperately to tear myself from sleep, to move my body, but it wouldn't budge.

My dream mind knew where my phone was, and my dream hand fumbled for the phone, and tried to make a call...but my phone wasn't working. So I thought. Oh well. I'll just relax, and I'll wake up later.
I relaxed, and then tried very quickly to sit up.
I woke up, still lying down.

I got out of bed, and went to the kitchen. I sat down at the kitchen table, checked my email, and then thought: I don't know why I'm awake. It's 7am on a Monday morning. I have nothing to be doing! So I went back to bed, for two hours...but I couldn't shake the weird dreamself that had kept me from waking up.