Saturday, March 14, 2009

Two nights of Death

Two nights ago:
I was with my ex and his mother. I had a gun, and she had a gun, and she was alternating between pointing her handgun at us and at herself. She kept putting it under her chin, like she was going to blow her head off. I kept telling her to put down the gun, and that everything would be ok, that she didn't REALLY want to kill herself. We finally got her to put down the gun on a table, and I grabbed it and took out the bullets.
She stood there crying.
Then my mother came in and said that her mother, my grandmother, had taken an entire bottle of sleeping pills, and she had died. So then I start crying and crying. I go upstairs to the bathroom, and I find my ex in the bathtub, under the water. I poke him, crying saying "Grammy is dead, grammy is dead." But he won't come up for air. He is dead too.

Last night:
I got a midnight text message in my dream from someone that one of my good friends had died in a car accident. Apparently he had been speeding and went around a corner too fast. I thought the text was a dream, so in my dream I rolled over and went back to sleep. When I got up the next morning, in the dream, I saw the text message, and completely fell apart. My friend and I haven't spoken in two months. We had some innocent fun back around Thanksgiving 2008, and I think he was hurt by it. I called another friend that I've made this year up at school, and I was bawling into the phone about the accident and how my friend and I hadn't talked in two months and now we would never talk again. Then I started thinking about my friend's mom, and I kept asking myself if I should go see her.

I texted him today to let him know about this dream, and to make sure he's ok. All I got was "I'm fine" I responded, but he isn't talking to me anymore.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

concious of the fact I am not awake?

I woke up badly yesterday morning.

I had been dreaming, and my mind and dream mind and body were all so confused.

I thought I was awake, under my blanket, in my room, looking around in the dark...but I couldn't move. I've heard of this happening to people, but in those stories, people tend to panic. I was calm. I knew I wasn't awake, and that I was still dreaming.

I was laying there, trying desperately to tear myself from sleep, to move my body, but it wouldn't budge.

My dream mind knew where my phone was, and my dream hand fumbled for the phone, and tried to make a call...but my phone wasn't working. So I thought. Oh well. I'll just relax, and I'll wake up later.
I relaxed, and then tried very quickly to sit up.
I woke up, still lying down.

I got out of bed, and went to the kitchen. I sat down at the kitchen table, checked my email, and then thought: I don't know why I'm awake. It's 7am on a Monday morning. I have nothing to be doing! So I went back to bed, for two hours...but I couldn't shake the weird dreamself that had kept me from waking up.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I was being held by terrorists. They started burning people alive. I remember there was a spiral staircase that was caged in, and it was packed with people. They all knew they were going to be burned to death, so they started tossing the children out, so they would fall to their deaths to avoid the horrible burning. I was at the bottom of the staircase, on the outside looking in. The terrorists made me watch them burn people in groups. I was mesmerized by the fire, but kept trying to look away because of the screams and the stench. Many were trying to escape their doom, but I woke up with the face of one man etched into the backs of my eyelids. He sat cross-legged as the flames licked at his skin and crept upwards, engulfing him. He was thin, wearing little for clothing, and he had sunken eyes, that were staring ahead, looking straight at me.
I turned to the terrorists, and I said that I would rather kill them myself than watch them all suffer so, and they spoke in Arabic as one passed me a metal bar, laughing.
I had it in my hands, and I looked at them all again, already beyond saving, and I turned back to the terrorists and said, "NO! I don't need to have this on my hands for God to judge me."
They stared at me. I realized I had said this in Arabic (Though I do not know enough Arabic to say that.) Then I continued...
"A salam alyakum...peace be unto you."
And then I bent my head and started to recite Qura'anic verse...
I don't know the Qura'an at this time.
The whole thing was disconcerting. It was a terrible situation. I had to choose to let people die horribly by being burned to death, at the hands of evil, or kill them myself. I told them I didn't want God to judge me for such a terrible action, but which was worse: Letting them suffer, or killing them? I have been raised by atheist...I am agnostic...but I know when I said to them that I didn't want God to judge me, I internally KNEW that I didn't believe what I was saying. I DIDNT believe God would judge me. I didn't want to have to judge myself. I just thought they would like hearing that I was God-fearing. I was trying to fit in for some reason. I was trying to assimilate. Its why I wasn't burned with them. Because I knew verses, because I spoke Arabic, because I was wearing a headscarf....

Friday, February 13, 2009

which planet includes my ex and a space station?

I walked in the front door at my EX's parents house, somewhere I spent a lot of time when we were high school...

The first room you hit is the living-room, and it was a Christmas morning scenario. The family was sitting around on the couches, opening gifts. I watched from back further, near the door, as a fly on the wall. Jill, the mom, had a water bottle that was painted and she had filled it with very fine glitter, which she was spraying around. Something very special had happened.

My EX, was there with his baby-momma(BM), and she was a bit weepy. He had given her a very nice ring. And Jill (the EX's mom) was spraying the glitter like there was no tomorrow. I moved in to say hello, and the BM stopped and glared at me, and I said something about being sorry I had intruded once before, but really now all I wanted was to say hi to Jill. The BM like cracked, smiled, then said she was sorry too, and that she was glad I had come.

We did one of those really kinda awkward hugs....and I remember one of my arms was REALLY in an awkward position. I couldn't bend it.

Then we sat down, she and I next to each other on the floor, my EX and his mom on the couch. That's when I saw the ring up close. It was the kind of ring he always wanted to buy, and the kind I never would have accepted. Any guy that buys me a ring like that doesn't know me. In any case, she opened her next gift which was "Rattlesnake eggs" know...those magnets that you toss in the air separately, but near enough each other that they get pulled together and make a rattlesnake noise.....look them up if you haven't a clue as to what I mean. And I laughed and made a peace sign with my fingers, then put it in front of my mouth, like a snakes forked tongue. Then made hissing noises, and the BM got really pissed, and then my EX said, oh come on, she's kidding around, you both can be pretty bitchy.

So then I watched Jill squirt more glitter. I was getting tired of the glitter.

I got up and left....

Next thing I remember, I'm discussing something important with a captain of some sort. We are talking about something very important. I remember I am wearing a short pink dress, fifties style button down, but a bit short for the fifties. Then all of a sudden we get word someone has infiltrated?

The captain I am speaking with pulls out a gun, and points it through the vent on the floor.

I see from another prospective, the prospective of the robot or thing that has gotten inside, and I see more and more gun point sticking out of the vent. I can see the gun-holders eyes in the barrels. They collect and collect and finally someone gives the word to fire, and they do, but then the robot or starts picking them off...and then tears through the lower level of our station ship or whatever the hell we are on.

People start getting in their personal ships, evacuating trying to get home to earth before being taken out by the rampaging robot. A lot of people get out...The captain and a few others and myself are supposed to remain on board as long as possible. I go to check on our quarters, which happen to eject as is and become a rather comfortable ship. I go in and count the bed space we have, and our capacity, in case we need to bring anyone with us.

I look in one of the rooms near by ours. Its my EX and his BM, the baby and his family. They are clueless as to what is going on. I talk to the captain, I tell him there is a baby with the family. He says there is no way we can fit 8 more people in our ship to get back. I keep stressing...but they have a baby, but they have a baby......

Monday, February 9, 2009

My dreams...

I am beginning to think that my dreams from night to night are inter-related.

I think that there is something important between the lines, behind what seems so real to me when I sleep.

I have recurring themes of Royalty and Aliens...

Being far from home...



Of Kings and Queens and Unseen Things

Dream, yet again: I was on the grounds of a palace, with a brother and sister of mine. We weren’t royalty, but we seemed to be important to the royal family somehow. The oldest of their daughters was darkhaied, with rosy cheeks and full lips, her name was….Lola?
We were walking on a large lawn, the size of a soccer field, that was surrounded by a pool of clear water. There were liveried servants milling about, though they were discreet and I didn’t know what they were doing. Suddnely the word came that visitors were coming, and the servants did a quick wardrobe change on all of us. Lola was wearing a pink gown…but I remember struggling with the word, wanting to say gown, but then having to change it to robe(French for dress). I was wearing a blue dress. It was faaar too frilly for my taste, but I had little choice in the matter, as the “guests” were already arriving.
The King and Queen came first, and we were to walk towards the in pairs, each girl with a guy.
I remember we made it to the other end of the field, which was shaded by trees, and stopped at the waters edge. I pretended like I was going to jump across, but did not because it would have been too far, and I would have fallen in.
Then next thing I remember, we were all in the water. We must have changed clothes, because I don’t remember feeling weighted down by a gown. I did begin to feel panicky and swam to the edge of the pool, clinging to the side. Lola wasn’t sharing my anxiety, swimming circles around me. In the corner of the pool, I remember she went under and I could hear her humming some march that was played for Queens, and she came up for air saying….”I can’t wait”
Then, as I said…guests were arriving.
The “guests” were a fearsome looking bunch. They had very strange faces and bodies, and were wearing black leather, had strange piercings and tattoos. They looked like trouble. We all went inside, changing clothes again. I must have had on a pair of trousers…from what I remember later on in the dream…
We were in a room with the royal family, and then the “guests” came in and went to shut the door, I didn’t like this, and I got up and went towards the door saying…I really need to use the toilet, please let me use the toilet. The leader of that bunch said, “Nobody will go to the toilet. Nobody will be leaving.”
I went and sat back down.
One of the bunch was very odd. His head was shaped a bit like that of a toad. He had eyes on top of his head, bulging, and then another pair of eyes directly behind the first set, as well as an eye on either side of his head, near his ears. It was unsettling because no matter how he turned his head, he was staring at you. I don’t know how his brain rocessed all this information, as he didn’t seem that bright. Another looked a bit like a boar. He had green bristly hair on top of his head, a piercing through his nose, and then he had a long…snout.
One of them apparently wanted Lola and her sister for wives or slaves. Whatever these brutes were into. I rushed over to the King who was seated and didn’t know quite what to do. I hugged him and whispered in his ear that My siblings and myself would never let anything happen to Lola or her sister or any of the royal family.
I backed off.
“I can get you something even more wonderful.”
“And what would that be?” Answered the leader.
“There is a great treasure, and I can lead you to it.”
I described it to him in detail, though it didn’t exist. I then told him to get to it, he would have to go below the castle, and through some very tricky manouevers. He told me that my brother would have to go with them.
So my brother (who was definitely not my brother from real life…) went with two of the uglies down to the dungeons. They accidentally unleashed a fairy spirit from behind a dungeon wall. The name that my brother gave her was Coraline, but I knew that rang false. She has another name.
He got upstairs, and told everyone to check all their documents that were handwritten. Her favorite thing was to erase signatures or handwritten notes. She also would hide things or turn them upside down.
I went to my room and found that all my letters from france were erased.
I wanted to scream, but couldn’t.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Another Planet. On Love.

I have more fuzzy memories of this one...

I was with my family on a camping trip, and I could feel that I was waiting for someone to arrive. A tall guy showed up. His name was Landon or Langdon or Landron or something like that. Tall and blonde. Quiet.

He and I got to talking, though mostly he was talking to my family. I was impatient for something.

We walked off, talking, and I remember feeling forced, a bit uncomfortable talking to him.

We were suddenly somewhere like Earth, but definitely not Earth. There was a shop and before we went in, and L. was trying to explain it to me. It was some sort of government building. Like the DMV. Except it was to register and/or change official skin color. I was shocked, but he said that if I was planning on living here, as I had apparently indicated, I would need to change my skin color from Earthling to something else. At first I was a bit excited, but then I looked at him and realized he was White Earthling color too. I was puzzled, but we were already inside, and I couldn't ask any silly questions about it before getting my color changed. If the officials heard me there would be problems. I tried talking to him in French, but he glared and said that wasn't spoken here, and he didn't understand anyway. English only.

So then we are waiting in line and I look around, trying to get a good idea of what really is going on. There is a young couple ahead of me, and the young man is holding a baby. The baby is TEAL. It was crying. They got to the counter, and I thought that surely they were going to CHANGE the baby's color, but no, they seemed very proud they had produced this blue being, and were registering it's color.

L. and I are holding hands. Not sure how that happened. In the dream I liked it. Now in hindsight, as a concious person, I'm not sure what the hell I was doing.

My turn came around, and L. asked the lady at the high desk for HROOF color for my skin. And she looked over her spectacles at me and said, "that might be a little dark for" I said, "OH! I don't want to be TOO dark!" Then she pulls out lighter shades of the skin colors. They come in blocks that look like cheese or clay. L. says no to all of these. Then he asks about another color, which I don't hear, and out comes a block that looks JUST LIKE CHEDDAR CHEESE. She said something like EXCELLENT choice. I looked at them both, then at L, and was like "NOOOOO uh-uhhhhhh!!!!!"

He said something to the effect of "Well it's MY official skin color."

I looked at him. There was NO WAY. He was paler than I am, and that says something.

But as we were looking at eachother, something gave, and he picked one of the lighter tones, closer to what he had been calling "Earthling color"
and I was happy and he was happy, and we held hands and were cute.