Terrorism

I was being held by terrorists. They started burning people alive. I remember there was a spiral staircase that was caged in, and it was packed with people. They all knew they were going to be burned to death, so they started tossing the children out, so they would fall to their deaths to avoid the horrible burning. I was at the bottom of the staircase, on the outside looking in. The terrorists made me watch them burn people in groups. I was mesmerized by the fire, but kept trying to look away because of the screams and the stench. Many were trying to escape their doom, but I woke up with the face of one man etched into the backs of my eyelids. He sat cross-legged as the flames licked at his skin and crept upwards, engulfing him. He was thin, wearing little for clothing, and he had sunken eyes, that were staring ahead, looking straight at me.
I turned to the terrorists, and I said that I would rather kill them myself than watch them all suffer so, and they spoke in Arabic as one passed me a metal bar, laughing.
I had it in my hands, and I looked at them all again, already beyond saving, and I turned back to the terrorists and said, "NO! I don't need to have this on my hands for God to judge me."
They stared at me. I realized I had said this in Arabic (Though I do not know enough Arabic to say that.) Then I continued...
"A salam alyakum...peace be unto you."
And then I bent my head and started to recite Qura'anic verse...
I don't know the Qura'an at this time.
The whole thing was disconcerting. It was a terrible situation. I had to choose to let people die horribly by being burned to death, at the hands of evil, or kill them myself. I told them I didn't want God to judge me for such a terrible action, but which was worse: Letting them suffer, or killing them? I have been raised by atheist...I am agnostic...but I know when I said to them that I didn't want God to judge me, I internally KNEW that I didn't believe what I was saying. I DIDNT believe God would judge me. I didn't want to have to judge myself. I just thought they would like hearing that I was God-fearing. I was trying to fit in for some reason. I was trying to assimilate. Its why I wasn't burned with them. Because I knew verses, because I spoke Arabic, because I was wearing a headscarf....